Olive Oil
So olive oil is now hot stuff.
No cooking show’s without it.
The stuff retails like liquid gold
and food snobs all do flout it.
Any lout with Crisco or
Mazola on his breath
is ostracized completely
and will die a social death.
But given time the people who
made us eat up our chard
will probably decide to fry
most everything in lard!
Hotdog
The hotdog is a mystery,
adventure or a prank,
since you never know just what
is inside any frank.
The wrapper may say ‘Pure Beef’
but you know inside your gut
there is no explanation
telling you it’s ‘Pure Beef’ what.
The hotdog’s made in batches
of a million, more or less,
in a plant in Iowa
without a street address.
The workers speak in Spanish
and will [...]
Potatoes
Don’t tell me that gravy
on a mashed potato bed
isn’t the epitome
of living life well-fed.
Or a stack of french fries
lightly salted, dripping oil,
with a gob of ketchup
isn’t worth our mortal toil.
And a baked potato
smothered in cold sour cream
certainly does qualify
as every man’s daydream.
Don’t forget the chips & dip–
Old Dutch is recommended –
without it TV football
never [...]
Scary Dairy
China gave the world fine silk;
now they give us tainted milk.
Drinking it will make kids prone
to a solid kidney stone.
Dairy products softly shine
with the gloss of melanine.
It was hushed up for a while
’til the babies puked up bile.
If you trust the red Chinese
go ahead and eat their cheese.
While you’re busy with your scoffin’
I will order [...]
The Shopping Cart
I go into the market
and pick out a shopping cart.
No matter which I’ve choosen
it begins to act real smart.
The handle is all sticky
and the wheels are such a fright,
sounding like a screech owl
being murdered in the night.
I try to push it straight ahead
but it has other plans,
zigging when I want to zag
and crashing into cans.
I’m [...]
The Food Police
No more salt and no more fat
and sugar’s on appeal.
Now they say that grapefruit
isn’t such a healthy deal.
Red meat is the culprit
in our shirnking, tasteless fodder.
Soon enough they’ll have us
serving time on bread and water!
The Orphan Hotdish
The night was bleary with cold rain,
the Pastor was in bed,
when a knock upon his door
did fill his heart with dread.
‘Who would risk the soaking rain
on such a night? Poor soul!’
The Pastor put his trousers on
and down the steps did roll.
Out the door he stuck his head
but no one did he see.
Then, glancing down, there [...]
Refrigerator Magnets
Refrigerator magnets,
those brightly colored specks,
glistening like fish scales,
my kitchen decor wrecks.
It started with the doctor,
his number on a plaque,
stuck up at my eye level
in case of heart attack.
I got one from the dentist
and then my plumber, too.
The hardware store gave me one
that’s shaped just like a screw.
I got one from the pharmacy,
the butcher and the [...]
Short Changed Again
The world is getting smaller
is what people say & think–
and they are right, by golly!
when I watch my burger shrink.
The Whopper isn’t whopping
like it used to whop before.
They’ve shrunk the meat, the cheese,
the bun, and mayo is no more!
And if you order pizza
with a thin crust, do not chafer
that the crust is see-through
like a doily [...]
Techno Food
Irradiated lettuce
will be coming to your store
to squelch those nasty beasties
that into your innards bore.
Salmonella soon will be
a charming fairy tale
as you snack on spinach
and a salad of raw kale.
Gamma rays mean freedom
from the worries of disease;
so have some soda crackers
with irradiated cheese!
Technology is wonderful,
it nurtures us so well
that soon we’ll feed entire worlds
on just [...]
