Razors
I went to look at razors
at the drugstore yesterday;
just why there are so many
is much more than I can say.
Color-coded, platinum,
and multi-bladed too,
they vibrate with a Teflon edge
and seal your cuts with glue.
Turbo-charged with radium
and ergonomic — whee!
They slide around your chinny-chin
with lanolin and ghee.
Shaving is more fun now
than a barrel full of cheese
and keeps [...]
Methuselah
Methusaleh lived many years
beyond the normal span;
he grew so old he was forgot
by devils, God and man.
A sack of dried up bones was he,
his appetite was small;
he could have lived forever on
a single matzo ball.
He almost lived to see the Flood –
that symbol of God’s wrath –
but finally decided
not to have another bath.
David Oreck
David Oreck,
huckster prime.
Vacuum cleaners
are his crime.
In the deep night
bowling balls
levitating
down the halls.
Infomercials
only seen
by those people
who don’t clean
Bear (mother russia)
A hungry Bear is never safe;
with two heads it just might
smile at you with one of them
as the other takes a bite.
This Bear is on the prowl again
and eating most of Georgia.
Perhaps we ought to take a page
from old Lucretia Borgia.
Make his meal so poisonous
he’ll long recall the pain
and shy away from other sweets
like Poland and [...]
No New Taxes
When they say ‘no new taxes’
my wallet I do clutch
cuz I know very well that
no candidate goes Dutch.
I’ve got a little list
(With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)
I’ve got a little list
that I work on come the dawn
of people would not be missed
if they were quickly gone.
I’d start with commentators
who shout everything so loud
they do not need a microphone
to address any crowd.
The drunks on elevators
who exude a certain air
that normally you only find
at some back-country fair.
Old hippies [...]
Bottle Baloney
Coffee leaves you nervous.
Drinking tea will stain your teeth.
Liquor is expensive
and will make your liver seethe.
Milk is way too filling.
Soda pop will make you burp.
Lemonade is sour
and has too much of corn syrup.
Water plain and simple
that pours freely from the tap
is what we should be drinking,
if it didn’t taste like crap.
But bottle it and label [...]
Swimming
Heading to the local beach,
I find the water out of reach;
placards quickly come in view,
telling me what not to do:
No inner tubes.
No scuba gear.
No pets allowed.
You can’t drink beer.
No piggyback.
No high dive leaps.
No sun bathing.
No driftwood heaps.
No volley ball.
No outside food.
No sand castles.
No attitude.
Still I perservere in spite
of signage grim in black and white.
But just [...]
Pioneer Dad
I’m not sure if my family tree
ought not remain a mystery.
There was, I think, a cattle rustler
and recently a poolroom hustler.
A great grandad was called a vagrant.
The repute of most seems way too fragrant.
Poets? Soldiers? Scholars? No.
Not even a shill for the Chattaqua show.
Investigation might reveal
more slips than a bananna peel.
Into the past I shall [...]
